What I want to be when I grow up

When I was about 4 years old, my father was in the Air Force Reserves.  Once I was on the field when he jumped from an airplane, and I watched him parachute to the ground.  I turned to my mother and told her that, when I was older, "I'm gonna be a preacher, a teacher, and jump out of airplanes."  Just like my father.  I loved my father with child-like abandon then.

  As I got older, things changed.  I began to resent and fear my father as the harsh disciplinarian who was strict and unfeeling.  At the same time, I wanted to please my father and be worthy of the praise he showered on me constantly.  I felt so unworthy of the praise, as I only did what made sense to me at the time.  I began to see my father as someone who didn't really see me, but just saw who he wanted me to be.  So I grew distant from my father and mistrusting.  Balanced in the same falsehood was the feeling that I had to measure up, somehow, to who he wanted me to be.  But being a teacher or a preacher were purposefully removed from my list, simply because that would be being like my father.

   It's funny the things you realize, when you are older.  How you were so very wrong.  Time has a way of humbling you, if you listen.

  As I got older, I realized that what I was good at was teaching, but I fought it because that would be just like my father.  It wasn't that I didn't want to be like him, but rather I had to ensure that I did not become a teacher TO be like him.  And now here am I today, deciding it is time for me to preach.

  I have wasted so much time listening to this world, and God has had to really twist my arm and show me great suffering to get my attention.  Will I listen this time?

  You see, if I had, just for a little while, given up my own selfish desires and feelings of inadequacy, I would have flourished under my father.  I was so busy fighting and being independent that I lost the chance to be molded.  What I would have been, or whether my father should have dealt differently, is a useless conversation.  This is the road I have walked, and I am grateful that God has had the patience to mold me and break my will down little by little.  And he is not yet done breaking me down...there is still work to be done on my heart.  I am still to focused inward to be of much good.

  I have to let go.  I have to release my desires and wants and be free to follow God.  Sacrifice all that I want for myself and live for the good of the people in this world.  People are dying without knowing Christ, without the chance to hear his calming voice in their lives.  I don't know how God wants to me work, but I know I can start with my precious students.  I ache to speak love and compassion into their lives, yet I must be as aggressive as a badger and as patient as an ant.  My preaching will not be from the pulpit, but the sharing of my heart and soul to people who need hope and love.  And yes, I have to think about you, and not me so much.

  So I am going to purposefully, tentatively, walk in my father's, my Father's, shoes, that I might be more like him.  I realize that a rejection of being like my earthly father made it harder to be like my Heavenly Father.  I am not ready to jump out of an airplane...yet..., but when I do, if I do, I will be proud to do it because I will be following in my father's footsteps  And by so doing, in my Father's footsteps as well.